Oh who am I kidding?! I probably won�t be passing this exam, anyway. Even if I felt well enough to go to the study groups every darn week, I still probably wouldn�t pass. I have a mental block for Grading & Drainage.

I need an attitude adjustment. I am a bad person.

The truth is... I am not having a good time being pregnant. At this rate, this tyke in my belly will be the only one we have. I am so pathetic when I don�t feel well. I wish I were one of those women who "glows" from pregnancy. Not me, I look bedraggled. I have gained 8 lbs already and am sporting a hideous pizza face and inch-and-a-half long gray roots. The only thing that consoles me is that I look fairly good in my maternity clothes.

The other upsetting thing is that my vacation/sick time is all messed up. There was a glitch in the time reporting system at work, depicting more leave than I really had. Human Resources conducted an audit and told me that I�ve been dipping below my allowable leave since September 2002. "But my pay stub says I have at least 9 days of vacation time! How can this be?", I argued. HR replied, "Well, the new time system and the pay stubs are incorrect." WTF?! I was livid.

So now they�re going to be deducting the negative balance from my paychecks. I have no idea how long this will take for me to pay back. I owe them around $2k. Oh, the inhumanity!

On top of all this chaos, I have no idea what my Plan Of Action will be after birthing the squirt in May. I can take up to a year leave of absence at work but I don�t know if I want to take that much. This is my career we�re talking about! On the other hand, I do know that I want to breastfeed and use cloth diapers. For optimal health, breast milk should be a baby�s sole source of nutrition for 6 months. If the kid is in daycare, that won�t be possible. As for cloth diapers, no daycare that I�m aware of will allow them. So what do I do?

I went downstairs during my afternoon break yesterday to get information on the daycare. We have a daycare center in the building for 3 month to 3 year olds. Isn�t that handy? The bad news is that I was shocked by how expensive it is. Even if we only used the daycare 2-3 times per week, we�d be paying $600-700 per month.

And there�s the whole issue of wanting to work so that I can be a positive role model for my kids. I think it�s important to show my kids that both parents contribute to the family financially. Staying home full-time would be a disaster because I wouldn�t be contributing financially, I would be spending 100% of my time with the kid while M would only be spending 30% (not very fair, is it?), it doesn�t seem socially healthy for either me or the kid, and I would probably go insane.

Part-time is the answer but I don�t know if my workplace will allow it. There are over 500 people at this office and not one single woman I know has returned to work part-time after having a child. All of them have come back full-time. I know for a fact that I won�t be able to return to work full-time. My current schedule is hard enough... without kids! I leave the house at 7:30 in the morning and don�t get home until 7:30 at night. In my current pregnant state, after getting home from work I only have time for getting some dinner before getting into bed by 9:30. How would I deal with a kid?

M hasn�t taken a stance either way. He says that it�s basically my decision because I�m the mom and I�m the one who will be breastfeeding. Money isn�t the issue here. We have a very low cost of living and could live quite well on one income. But this is my career we�re talking about! I�ve worked long and hard to get where I am. It would be foolish to throw it all away.

Having a choice in the matter is tough. I�m sure I�ll be grappling with this issue for the next few months.

In the immediate future, however, I need to focus on the exam. Cross your fingers for me. Will me to feel better and do all the preparation problems. Thank you for your support.