Loriville Gazette
2002 Jun 13 frantically searching for sleep

This has been a horrendous week. I�m mentally exhausted. If I don�t get some intensive rest soon, I�ll be having a mental breakdown before I know it. I need some alone time. I�m tired of visitors.

I got hysteric a few minutes ago, when M called to tell me that his friend Eddie R and his family from southern California were in town and that they�d be stopping by the house sometime today. He was informing me in case they were still there when I arrived home. I snapped and went into a tirade. I said, "No. Absolutely not. I�m not going to ballet tonight because I�m so tired; I didn�t even pack my ballet clothes this morning because I intend to do some intensive relaxing/sleeping tonight. I�m coming straight home from work. In fact, I may even come home early because I�m feeling so unwell. I REALLY do not want anyone there tonight when I come home. Maybe I need to go back to having my own house."

He was upset by that last sentence.

It�s not fair of me to demand that no one is in our house when I change my plans and come home instead of going to ballet, but the last thing I want to do when I�m tired is entertain. I don�t know what the solution is.

I think I�m just burnt out from the German Friends� visit earlier this week. I arrived home from ballet on Tuesday night at 9:30 to find them and M visiting in our front room. Of course, I had to sit down and chat with them when all I really wanted to do was open my mail, take a hot bath, then go to sleep. But that would have been rude. As it turned out, they didn�t leave until 11:30. I hate to sound all angry about it because it really was nice to visit with them... it�s just that it really took a toll on me, having to get up at 5:30 and all. You see, M�s not that sensitive about it because he doesn�t have to wake up until 8:30 or 9:00.

This 5-6 hours of sleep per night business is catching up with me.

I know full well that if I go home tonight and Eddie & Co. are there, I�ll feel obligated to entertain. I couldn�t very well say, "Oh, hi! Good to see you again. When was the last time we saw each other? Two years ago?! Wow. But you know what... I�ve gotta go to sleep. Good night; see you later!"

I just can�t take it. Especially because I found out today I need to be in the office early tomorrow morning because I have a 9:00 meeting in San Jose. Ugh. And I can�t put sleep on the backburner tonight because we have plans with Sandy and Ron tomorrow night. Sandy is one of my dearest friends and I haven�t seen her since December. Plus, it�s her 30th birthday tomorrow night. So I must rest tonight in order to not be a lump on a log....

I need more sleep. I need to do something to change this ridiculous schedule, but I don�t know what. I�m not yet willing to give up ballet. And I can�t easily change my schedule to an 8 hour day because on ballet nights, I�m here for at least 10 hours, anyway, waiting for class to begin (the class doesn�t start until 7:45 pm). And, I�m not allowed to schedule my work start time later than 8:00 am. I�m stuck between a rock and hard place.

I�ll write more later. I have some interesting wedding-related news, but don�t have the time or energy or patience to type it right now.

back & forth
recently...

quick recap - 2007 July 13
Happy August! - 2006 Aug 01
I dream of Albuquerque - 2006 Jul 08
mindstorm - 2006 Jun 30
Pomegranate scale - 2006 Jun 24