Loriville Gazette
2002 May 21 my reasons for getting married

There was an interesting thread on the Ultimate Wedding discussion board today titled, "Why are you getting married?"

I spent the last freaking hour writing my reply, so I thought I'd share.

At the very least, it's an interesting topic.

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I've always personally struggled with this topic, probably because my parents divorced when I was 16, after 19 years of a seemingly happy marriage. When they broke the news, I was completely shocked!

I don't know; maybe their divorce made me much more sensitive about marriage and the reasons for it. I, too, took a class about marriage in college. It was titled, "Marriage and it's Alternatives", under the Sociology Department. I loved the class. However, I think it made me even more suspicious of marriage. After all, why get married if there's such a thing as "common law marriage" (i.e. automatically becoming legally married after living together for 7 years)? Plus, marriage doesn't necessarily make a relationship more meaningful.

Frankly, I never thought I was the "marrying type". I never imagined I would get married. I never had those little girl dreams of getting married to my prince charming and wearing the big puffy white dress. That's just me, though. I'm independent.

Plus, I'm terrified of divorce. I remember asking my mom, "What's the best way to prevent divorce?" and she said, "Easy. The only guarantee is to not get married."

I was engaged once before, but the wedding was called off (luckily not too close to the wedding - yes, we lost lots of money on deposits but fortunately we hadn't yet sent out the invites). That experience proved to me that love isn't the only reason for marriage. There also needs to be compatibility... and lots of it. We didn't have that. But we loved each other! Did that mean we should get married? No. So we didn't.

Even after I met Maurice, though, I didn't think my perceptions about marriage would change... and for a long time, they didn't. We had (and still have) the greatest relationship! At every opportunity they got, my friends asked me when we planned to get married, and I'd say, "I like things just the way they are. Why fix something that's not broken?" and they'd just laugh. But I was being serious!

We didn't live together until after our engagement. This was actually a compromise for both of us; Maurice wanted to live together early in our relationship, but I wanted to wait until after marriage. We had many passionate discussions about it.

My reason for that is strictly logical. Here I am, living in the most expensive city in the United States (San Francisco), and I wasn't about to lose my rent-controlled lease. True story.

See, Maurice owns a home (very rare in this city!). If we moved in together, it only made sense to move in to his house. But where would that leave me if the relationship didn't work out? Out in the streets or in the suburbs, no thank you very much. Believe me, it's not like I thought the relationship wouldn't work out, but I had learned my lesson from my past failed engagement (I left my job, my friends and family, and relocated for him) the hard way: I bet it all and lost the farm.

This time, I was protecting myself. I was thinking with my head. I stuck to my guns, too, even though he'd bring up the topic of moving in with him every so often.

I needed something more "concrete" in order to give up my bachelorette pad. I finally got it: the diamond ring/token of his affection/proclamation to spend the rest of his life with me.

I immediatley gave my thirty day's notice and moved in with him about a month later.

And frankly, it didn't come soon enough. I was so tired of carting my undies and makeup remover around in my briefcase and/or car trunk.

But I don't simply want marriage because it guarantees me a home in the city for the rest of my life. Maurice and I have something magical. I sensed it on our first date.

We have known each other for four years and, surprisingly, every day is better than the last. Our relationship started off great and only got better. Because of our track record, I'm convinced that tomorrow will be better than today.

Neither of us need marriage. It won't "complete" either of us.

But I think it will be nice. I think I will like being married. I like the symbolic act of committing myself to Maurice for the rest of my life in front of friends and family.

And I'll finally put everyone's doubts about my relationship to rest. I'll no longer have to justify my relationship to people who should know better. Sadly, some people don't accept partnerships for what they are, kind of like a "if you're not married, the relationship is meaningless" phenomena. I was rudely questioned repeatedly by several different people, from coworkers to relatives, about where my relationship with Maurice was going. "It's been three years, you know. You must not be serious about each other." The nerve!

We don't need marriage for ourselves; we need marriage to justify our relationship to fools.

The moral of this story is that I've grown a lot. Marriage isn't the bad thing I used to think it was. It doesn't mean I'll automatically lose my independence. It doesn't mean I'll suddenly becoming a boring lump like most of my married friends.

Since meeting Maurice and developing our relationship, I've created my own definition of what marriage is and what the wedding represents:

-Our marriage will be a spiritual rite of passage into something that is sacred.

-It will be a confirmation of what we already have. It won't change the way we feel about each other. However, I'm sure that, over the years, our love, commitment, and understanding of each other will continue to grow and become even more meaningful.

This list will grow with time, I'm sure.

back & forth
recently...

quick recap - 2007 July 13
Happy August! - 2006 Aug 01
I dream of Albuquerque - 2006 Jul 08
mindstorm - 2006 Jun 30
Pomegranate scale - 2006 Jun 24