Life seems to be getting back to normal. And just when I think it's getting back to normal, I cave in again. I find tears welling up in my eyes at inopportune times. At work. On BART. Walking down the street.

Last night, M and I recounted the small details of our visit to the World Trade Center not even a year ago. We tried remembering everything. We don't want to forget anything, ever. I'm so afraid the memories are going to fade.

We remembered that it was Ben & Jerry's ice cream we were eating in the lobby. We bought it at a small stand in the basement, on the mall level. That the woman who sold us tickets to the Observatory was really nice. That on the way up the escalator to the Observatory from the Museum, there were "Mouse Trap" looking contraptions with rubber balls moving from demonstration to demonstration. The balls even ran inside transparent colored plastic tubes over our heads.

I began crying uncontrollably, especially when M asked, "I wonder if that nice woman who sold us the tickets to the top made it out okay." Then, mechanically, I got up to blow my nose and immediately set to work on removing my mascara stains from M's new shirt with a cold wet rag.

Later, we watched President Bush announce, "There is a poster out West that says 'Wanted: Dead or Alive'". We both looked at each other and burst out laughing. Bush says the goofiest things. It's comforting to know that we can still find humor amidst tragedy.

I'm still full of sorrow. Not fear, not anger. I can't even imagine feeling the other two.

I called the American Red Cross yesterday to make an appointment to give my O blood. They are receiving so many calls and inquiries that they are overwhelmed right now, so they took my information and said they'd call me back to set up an appointment.

I'm going to inquire about volunteering my time at a local Arab-American Family Center to help those who are too afraid to leave their homes. They'll need errands run for them.

In the spirit of attempting to return to normal, I'll speak of "normal" things:

1) M started his new job yesterday. He likes it so far. He says the food options at lunch are grim because there's no nearby restaurants, only a cafeteria in his building with lousy food. And he really hates the commute. Otherwise, all is good.

2) My apartment is a mess. I still haven't unpacked and I have clothes, suitcases, mail, and magazines strewn around my apartment. The couch and chairs are filled with stuff so there's nowhere to sit.

3) Lorena gave me a belated birthday gift today because, as Chinese tradition goes, you can't visit friends or shop for gifts for the duration of one month after a family member dies. The gift was beautifully wrapped and was filled with scented French soaps and a porcelain soap dish. I can't wait to use them.

4) M and I attempted making ice cream last night but when I took the freezer bowl out of the freezer, it wasn't completely frozen. We thought we'd give it a try, anyway. It didn't work. So M chipped the ice out near the door of my icebox (it was so frozen over that the door wouldn't properly close). Underneath all the ice, I spotted an ice cube tray I hadn't seen in a long time. (!) Hopefully, that will do the trick and the freezing bowl will be cold enough next time. And if it's not, I'll have to defrost my freezer (ugh) and/or get a new refrigerator with a separate no-frost freezer.

That is all.